Monday, September 5, 2011

Feeling Fat and Depressed Because of a Friend

I am going to try not to make a long story even longer.
I have not posted here in quite a while. But something has happened that compels me to unburden myself. Something that really affected me.....
We went to visit friends this weekend. They used to live near us, but have moved.
My friend, because of some health issues, and determination, has lost a LOT of weight. She has been transformed.
I have been happy for her on one hand; she lost weight and looks great, but on the other, she has serious health issues (which are under control, by the way).
We were out and about, and someone said something about how hot it was outside, and I thought I heard her say something like, "Yes, I am hot." It was said in such a way that I realized she was not talking about the weather. But no one seemed to notice, and the moment passed.
Then later, we were at a festival, and she went to a vendor's booth to ask about something. After leaving the booth, she tells me, "I went up to ask that really cute young guy about the ____. He was really nice to me -- he was nice to me because I am hot. I AM hot. I am over 50 and I am HOT!" She raise her arms above her head and struck a pose. I did not know what to say or do. I just sort of kept walking and mumbled something.....
Now this sent me into a tailspin. I know it is not logical, and I know I am being irrational, but this REALLY messed me up.
My emotional side felt like she was saying to me, " are a FAT loser..."
My logical side tells me that she is just thrilled that she has lost weight. She is really enjoying her "new self" and is proud of the fact (deservedly so) that she has attained a slim figure. She has always been a big woman -- NOT obese, just tall and proportionally big. But I feel she has probably always wanted to be smaller, and has had issues because of her weight. So now she is smaller, and is ecstatic. And she has a right to be.
But hear her say that to me.......I just cannot describe the effect it had on me. I immediately became depressed.
Later, we walked by a vendor's booth at the festival where sun dresses were being sold. We were all looking at them. Her husband looked at one and said, "This would look great on XXXX (his wife's name)." She heard him and said, "Yes, that WOULD look great on me."
I wanted to disappear into the pavement.
What is wrong with me???? I should have said to her, "yes, you ARE great looking! I am so happy for you!" or "You have done a FABULOUS job with yourself! Congratulations!" and "You would absolutely look great in that dress, or in anything you want to wear!"
But instead I felt/continue to feel inferior. I feel fat, frumpy, and old.
I was disappointed in her for her vanity, and what I felt to be conceitedness (if that is a word). I felt feelings of friendship slip away because it seemed to me she was "tooting her own horn" which is something I despise in people.
I am totally depressed. I MUST lose 15 pounds.


GunDiva said...

Trust me, if you only have fifteen pounds to lose, you're doing great!

I'm sorry she made you feel poorly about yourself. I can understand her being excited about her weight loss, but her behavior/comments were unfeeling.

Mrs Mom said...

People change. As big events (I'm glad your friend has her health issues under control) happen, it brings out things in folks that, well, can totally suck moose ass to be blunt. Those changes can be *incredibly* painful to those around them.

Dropping weight and being proud is one thing. Dropping weight and looking great is fine. But dropping that weight and then prancing about like the sun shines out yer butt? Not quite acceptable behavior, least in my book. I'm so very sorry that had such a profound effect on you.

Be strong. Look inside and not at what the damn scale says or what the mirror says. Look INSIDE. That person in there? Yeah- she's a damn fine person.

Now Cowgirl Up! ;)

(And yes, please feel free to reach through the puter and administer a Rasp Enema should you feel I am out of line! ;) )

John and Regina Zdravich said...

Thanks so much, Mrs Mom!!! You actually made me feel a lot least I don't feel as guilty about the feelings of
"not acceptable behavior" that I was having!!! Bless you.....

Laura said...

I totally agree with what Mrs. Mom wrote - she said what I was thinking (only much more eloquently!).

I love what she wrote about Looking inside ... we all need to focus on the person inside and do the best for ourselves.

You can do it! I believe in you!

cdncowgirl said...

I agree with Mrs Mom
(and as Laura said MM said it way better than I could)

In a small way I relate. There's a young woman at work that was in a bad relationship. She finally got out of it and in doing so reclaimed herself... so now she is much smaller and more self confident. But like your friend in a way that gets a bit hard to bear at times. She always seems to assume that everything is about her.
Probably the funniest though was the other night: I was on my break and picked up a magazine to read while I ate. There was a gorgeous horse on the cover and I said "oooh pretty" and she said "thanks" in one of those giggly girl voices. I looked up at her and said "what?" and she looked confused. Then I said "umm, pretty? The horse is pretty" and showed her the magazine. Thankfully she had the grace to blush.

Anonymous said...

Oy. That had to be a difficult situation. I feel for you. I do. I've been on both sides of the scale, so to speak, and it's my experience that your friend doesn't mean to intentionally hurt you in any way and probably doesn't realize the effect her words and behavior are having on you. Trust me, it's not intentional.

Now, while I do agree with MM, there are ways YOU can handle this in the future.

Realize the newness of her weight loss will take time to wear off for her. It's all new, so she's going to celebrate. Why not celebrate with her? She didn't lose weight to make YOU feel bad. She lost weight so SHE could feel good. If she's gotten her health under control, that means you're going to get to have your friend around a while longer. And that's worth celebrating!

Realize she's not going to be exactly the same person she was when she was overweight and had her health out of control. The old adage "People change" is true. Sometimes physical changes bring about personality changes too. When I am thinner, I am much more bubbly and out-going. I'm happier too AND I act as such.

Yes, your friend's behavior was over the top. But, you're the one feeling bad about you. I don't think your friend feels bad about you. That's just your own negative self-talk taking center stage.

Ultimately, the issue seems to be that she felt good about herself and that you were not. So, what can you do to change that? Is it all about losing 15 lbs.? Are those few pounds going to change how you feel? As you stated, you feel like a frump. Is it that perhaps you feel like perhaps you need a wardrobe update? New hair? A change of lipstick? Other things beyond losing weight can help us feel better about ourselves too. Women just turn to weight loss first usually, when perhaps a mini-makeover or a good, hard workout will do to lift their spirits.

I'm all for losing weight. After all, I feel fat, frumpy and old too.